Go to Cracked.com. Seriously, it's damn funny. They post a few new articles (which are in list, video, or essay form) every day. My favorite ones are the lists. For example, 8 Customers Everyone Hates and 5 Horrific Serial Killers (Who are Free Right Now). If you want to kill some time, this is the place to go. Or if you want to pee your pants.
And if any of the cracked staff decided to follow my link and find this little ode I want them to also find this following statement.
DOB, will you be my sugar daddy?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Let's move to Canada and become stand-up comedians!
Is it just me, or does anyone else ever feel like taking off in the middle of the night butt ass naked and rolling around in the grass? No? Alright, guess it's just me. Anyway, I have had this urge for about the last twenty four hours to move to Canada and become famous. That'd be cool, right? But if I became famous (or infamous) IN Canada, would that make me a Canadian? Because wouldn't other Canadians want to call me a Canadian, because they would know me before all the Americans did. I don't know.
I wonder what I could become famous for;
1. Write a book.
2. Video tape myself rolling around in grass butt naked and put it on youtube. Follow that up with several other videos of me rolling around naked on different terrains.
3. Sell my virginity.
4. Be a stand-up comedian then go on to have my very own Canadian talk show and say "eh" a lot.
Any other ideas?
I wonder what I could become famous for;
1. Write a book.
2. Video tape myself rolling around in grass butt naked and put it on youtube. Follow that up with several other videos of me rolling around naked on different terrains.
3. Sell my virginity.
4. Be a stand-up comedian then go on to have my very own Canadian talk show and say "eh" a lot.
Any other ideas?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Little White House
The little white house was sitting in the middle of a huge field. It had two big ponds on either side of it where cows would come and drink from all around because the water was so good and the grass was so green. It had a nice family living in it that took good care of it. They made sure it always had fresh paint and that the shutters were on straight and that there were no leaks or creaks. The little white house was a happy house.
But one day, the little white house got foreclosed on. Because it was the Great Depression and no one had any money. Especially Okies. Anyway, the little white has was foreclosed and the nice family had to move out. No one bought the house because the sweet little white house was in Oklahoma and everybody in Oklahoma was an Okie, therefore no one had money to buy the little house. So it sat. And it sat. And it sat. And the cows never came. It kept on sitting straight through 1969. It was no longer a happy little white house. It was mad at the government for foreclosing the neutral gendered little white house. BUT one day in like. 1970ish, a road was getting built. The little house watched and watched the road being built from a distance eager to have company after being out in the middle of nowhere for so long. Well, the construction workers weren’t very good company and they made fun of the house. They talked of tearing the house down and using the lumber for a makeshift fort where they could play patty-cake. But one day, right before the mean construction workers were going to tear the little house down, a nice man came along with picket signs and peace signs and stuff saying the if they tore the little white house down they would be tearing down the heritage of this land. He was an Okie. Anyway, he went to the senate and stuff and they said No you can’t tear down the little white house. Since this Okie had some money now, him and his gypsy women moved in. His name was Charles Manson. He didn’t fix the little white house up. But he smoked a lot of reefer in it. Charlie went to jail and the little white house didn’t have his or his gypsy women’s company anymore. But there was a road in front of it he found, once the haze from all the weed cleared, and he found it fun to watch the cars and make up stories about the cars that drove by.
THE END.
Origin of this story: We were driving to Colorado and my grandma told me to write her a story about a little white house. And I did. And she liked it.
But one day, the little white house got foreclosed on. Because it was the Great Depression and no one had any money. Especially Okies. Anyway, the little white has was foreclosed and the nice family had to move out. No one bought the house because the sweet little white house was in Oklahoma and everybody in Oklahoma was an Okie, therefore no one had money to buy the little house. So it sat. And it sat. And it sat. And the cows never came. It kept on sitting straight through 1969. It was no longer a happy little white house. It was mad at the government for foreclosing the neutral gendered little white house. BUT one day in like. 1970ish, a road was getting built. The little house watched and watched the road being built from a distance eager to have company after being out in the middle of nowhere for so long. Well, the construction workers weren’t very good company and they made fun of the house. They talked of tearing the house down and using the lumber for a makeshift fort where they could play patty-cake. But one day, right before the mean construction workers were going to tear the little house down, a nice man came along with picket signs and peace signs and stuff saying the if they tore the little white house down they would be tearing down the heritage of this land. He was an Okie. Anyway, he went to the senate and stuff and they said No you can’t tear down the little white house. Since this Okie had some money now, him and his gypsy women moved in. His name was Charles Manson. He didn’t fix the little white house up. But he smoked a lot of reefer in it. Charlie went to jail and the little white house didn’t have his or his gypsy women’s company anymore. But there was a road in front of it he found, once the haze from all the weed cleared, and he found it fun to watch the cars and make up stories about the cars that drove by.
THE END.
Origin of this story: We were driving to Colorado and my grandma told me to write her a story about a little white house. And I did. And she liked it.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
How to Piss Leiland Off While She's at Work;
1. Throw money at her. If I wanted money thrown at me, I would be working as a stripper, not a cashier.
2. Tell her about things she does not care about. When I ask "How are you today?", it's not because I want to actually know, I'm doing my job. It really puts a damper on MY day when you tell me about your estranged wife and dead dog.
3. Complain. We're fucking cashiers. We have to worry about where our next tank of gas is coming from. We're not thinking about the damned Dr. Pepper machines. Is it really a big deal for you to come in and ask for your 50 cents back? I didn't think so.
4. Bitch about things she can't help. Listen, sorry the freezer is broken, but I didn't wave my magic freezer breaking wand because I knew you wanted ice cream. Nor can I wave my magic freezer fixing wand to make it work. Calm down and grab a Ding Dong.
5. Come to the register with your stupid fucking blue tooth in. Take the damn thing out. People make fun of you when you leave. You're not that important; you're in PAYNE'S.
6. Let your kids run, scream, press buttons, etc. Nobody thinks your kids are cute. It's ugly. Get a paper bag and a leash.
7. Eat fruit knowing we have to weigh it in order for you to pay for it. Can your fatass not wait until I weigh it? Enough said.
8. Cash $100+ checks and get change for other businesses. We are a grocery store, not a bank! What in the hell makes you people think we have all this cash? Why in the hell don't you go TO THE BANK. It's behind Payne's. Damn, you people are weird.
2. Tell her about things she does not care about. When I ask "How are you today?", it's not because I want to actually know, I'm doing my job. It really puts a damper on MY day when you tell me about your estranged wife and dead dog.
3. Complain. We're fucking cashiers. We have to worry about where our next tank of gas is coming from. We're not thinking about the damned Dr. Pepper machines. Is it really a big deal for you to come in and ask for your 50 cents back? I didn't think so.
4. Bitch about things she can't help. Listen, sorry the freezer is broken, but I didn't wave my magic freezer breaking wand because I knew you wanted ice cream. Nor can I wave my magic freezer fixing wand to make it work. Calm down and grab a Ding Dong.
5. Come to the register with your stupid fucking blue tooth in. Take the damn thing out. People make fun of you when you leave. You're not that important; you're in PAYNE'S.
6. Let your kids run, scream, press buttons, etc. Nobody thinks your kids are cute. It's ugly. Get a paper bag and a leash.
7. Eat fruit knowing we have to weigh it in order for you to pay for it. Can your fatass not wait until I weigh it? Enough said.
8. Cash $100+ checks and get change for other businesses. We are a grocery store, not a bank! What in the hell makes you people think we have all this cash? Why in the hell don't you go TO THE BANK. It's behind Payne's. Damn, you people are weird.
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